Tuesday 30 August 2011

To obey or not to obey, that is the questions?

Have you ever wondered why your child heeds some instructions but not others? You’ve told him not to touch the oven because it’s hot and he has understood and obeys and yet you’ve told him not to play with the DVD player and he seems to ignore your instructions. 
One reason for this is the way you give the instructions, for instance when you are telling your child not to touch or do something that involves the possibility that he may get hurt, your instructions and body language are aligned.  He can see that what you say and how you say it are congruent.
With other instructions like playing with the DVD or getting all you saucepans out of your cupboard, you may be saying “no” but nodding “yes”, because maybe you think it’s cute or not really that important, so you are giving mixed messages.  It is the same when you are telling you child off because you are out in public and maybe worried about what other people might think rather that what the child is doing, so again your body language and your words do not match and consequently the child may not obey and will become confused.
I hope you are enjoying these tips and I would really love to get some feedback.  You can email me; enquiries@lorraineburwood.co.uk. 
For more information about me and my services go to www.lorraineburwood.co.uk.

Photo - FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Tuesday 23 August 2011

Helping our children deal with their feelings

How do you see your role as a parent?  I believe my role is to love and nuture my children, to encourage and protect them.

When our children are born they are 100% dependant on us for all their needs and by the time they are adults they should be 100% independant.

During the course of my parenting I, as many parents, wanted to protect my children from the pains of growing up, such as feeling of failure or rejection.

Like most parents, I would try and make my child feel better by telling him it didn't matter or they are not important or his friend that had just rejected him wasn't a nice child etc. But what I was doing was not allowing or acknowledging his feelings, I was trying to make him feel better because I didn't like to see him upset and hurt.  But all I was doing was making him more upset and angry.

If you think about it, as adults we feel the same.  Imagine you're upset about something, maybe you've had a row with someone at work, your partner comes and puts his arms around you and says "It's not worth getting upset about."  How do you feel? Do you feel listened to? Have your feelings been acknowledged?  I guess you're probably thinking he doesn't understand, you might be feeling angry towards him!  He is trying to make you feel better but it's not working.

This is the exactly how our children feel.  So what can you do to help and at the same time allow your children to feel, whatever emotions they feel.

Next time you're in this position, instead of trying to make it better etc. acknowledge your childs feelings by saying something like, "I can see you're feeling upset/angry/sad because of ......."

Far from opening the floodgates as you might suppose your child will feel listened to and understood and will then go into more details about what happened and often will come up with a solution.

Here are two senarios:

Take 1

Child: "My goldfish is dead, he was alive this morning"
Parent:  "Now don't get upset, don't cry, it's only a goldfish"
Child - cries even more
Parent:  "Stop crying, I'll get you another goldfish"
Child:  "I don't want another one"
Parent:  "Now you're being unreasonable"

So what just happened? The child was upset about his goldfish dying but the parent, by trying to defuse the situation, offering to buy an new one, actually made the situation worse.

Take 2

Child:  "My goldfish is dead, he was alive this morning"
Parent:  "Oh no, what a shock"
Child:  "He was my best friend"
Parent:  "To lose a friend can hurt. You really cared about that goldfish"
Child:  "I fed him everyday"

In this senario the child has his feelings acknowledged and can then happily talk about his goldfish.

Parent's don't usually give this kind of response because they think that by giving the feelings a name they will make it worse but just the opposite is true.  the child hears the words for what his is feeling and is comforted.

Why don't you give it a try and let me know how it went.  Let me know what you think about this blog.

Check out my website www.lorraineburwood.co.uk 

Photograph - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Tuesday 2 August 2011

Building your child’s self-esteem

What is self-esteem? Why is self-esteem so important? How do we ensure our children grow up with loads of self-esteem?  These are very powerful questions.
Self-esteem is how one esteems oneself, in other words it is what you think about yourself.  Do you think of yourself as OK or not OK? Do you think of yourself as lovable and therefore I matter or the opposite?
Self-esteem is so important because it is the key to having a happy and successful life.  Did you know that underlying nearly all unwanted behaviour patterns are negative self-esteem beliefs?
So how can you ensure that your children grow up with high self-esteem, to have happy and successful lives?
Lots of us grew up in very critical homes and I am sure you want to ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes your parents made, so you’re probably heaping lots of praise on your children say things like; “That was great, I’m so proud of you” or “Well done, you are a clever boy/girl”.  And that doesn’t build self-esteem, all though it is better that criticism, it loses credibility if your child doesn’t think it was great or they are clever.
There is nothing wrong with praise. The problem is when you constantly praise your child, they start to look for approval outside and they need the praise to feel good about themselves. They can become “approval junkies” So what do you do instead?
Instead of saying to a child who has just tidied his room; “Well done, what a good boy you are.” You could try one of the following:
Describe what you see – “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed and books all neatly lined up on your shelf.” Or
Describe what you feel – “It’s a pleasure to walk into your room.”
Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behaviour with a word – “You sorted out your pencils, crayons and pens and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organisation.”
The difference is you’re giving your child positive feedback and he can take that on board and self-praise.  So he will think to himself, after receiving this feedback, I’m really good at tidying my bedroom or I’m pretty organised.

If you are looking for a good book to help you be the best parent you can be I recommend - "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, published by Piccadilly Press.

Looking forward to reading your comments.

Check out my website at http://www.lorraineburwood.co.uk/