Tuesday 28 February 2012

Positive Impact

I am been really busy and am so excited, because I have been pulling together my new workshop for parents and the first one of these workshops is about  having a positive impact on our children.

A lot of adults have beliefs about themselves which are negative, such as “I’m not good enough”; “I’m not important” or “I’m a failure” but where do these beliefs come from?  These beliefs are formed in childhood, they come from the interactions you had primarily with your parents. But the vast majority of these adults will have had loving, caring and helpful parents.
So what sort of interactions would result in us growing up believing “I’m not good enough” etc?
Imagine you’re a child of around three years old and you’re at that “me do it” stage.  You want to dress yourself but you’re struggling with the buttons and your mum is in a rush to get out of the house, so she helps you with your buttons, she takes over. On another occasion you’re trying to pour milk onto your breakfast cereal but you’re making a mess, so you mum takes the milk carton from you, saying “look at the mess you’ve made” and on another occasion you’re playing with your Duplo and you’re dad comes in and you tell him you’re building a house and you’re dad sits down to help and very soon he’s build the house for you. What might you conclude? If these scenarios are repeated often enough you’re going to conclude “I’m useless” or “I’m a failure” or “I’m not good enough”.
These parents are loving parents, they want to help their child but inadvertently they are laying the foundations for these negative beliefs.  As the child grows up with these beliefs, he starts to filter his experience of the world through these beliefs and so they really do become his reality.
 Let’s look at the example of Jane and Sam:

Jane believes
Sam believes
I’m not good enough
I am good enough
I’m not important
I’m important
Mistakes and failures are bad
Mistakes and failures are learning opportunities
I’m not capable
I can do whatever I set out to do
What makes me good enough is other people thinking well of me
My worth is not a function of what other people think

Who is likely to be happier?        Jane or Sam? 

Who is likely to have more nurturing relationships?         Jane or Sam? 

Who would be more likely to have a successful career? Jane or Sam? 

I believe raising our children, the next generation, is the most important job in the world and yet we get no training. Would you offer me a job as an accountant or a lawyer if I hadn’t passed my exams?

For a free copy of my ebook; Seven Secrets of Successful Parents go to my website www.lorraineburwood.co.uk and complete the form.  Please feel free to share this blog.








Wednesday 1 February 2012

How can your children benefit from their failures

Why it is important to fail and what can we do as parents to help our child benefit from these failures?

As parents we want our children to grow up to be successful and in order that they achieve this there will be failures along the way. How, we as parents handle these setbacks will determine how our children develop.
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062
What does your child conclude when he brings home a school report that is not up to standard and you get upset and cross, maybe even angry at him? He will already feel bad because he has let himself down but now you’re angry as well, he is likely to conclude that he is a failure. 
So what would be a better response?  You could ask a few open questions such as - “How do you feel about the report?” “What could you have done differently?” “What help do you need?”

These questions would allow your child to think about what he could do, he would feel understood and he would conclude that there was something he could do about it, instead of feeling a failure.

Remember it is not your job to produce results with your children.  When you expect your children to live up to your expectations, they are always going to live with the fear of failing and letting you down. This will stop them developing confidence and they will feel like they have to do what others want them to do and this will prevent them from being self-motivated.

Can you recall when your child was a baby and first started to walk, he didn’t go from crawling to walking without falling down a few times.  At first he let go of the sofa and stood then wobbled and sat down, but you didn’t get cross with him because he didn’t walk at his first attempt! Each time he took a few steps and sat down he learnt and the next time he would take another step until he was walking unaided.

Remember we learn more from our failures than from our successes.

Thomas A Edison said when asked by a reporter about his results when trying to invent the light bulb - “Results! Why, man, I have got lots of results. I know several thousand things that won't work.” Thomas A Edison