Keep Calm and Enjoy Christmas

Are you looking forward to Christmas day or dreading it? Do you have high unrealistic expectations? Do you imagine the day as being full of love and co-operation, lots of fun and happy children?

What is your previous experience, was it beautiful, fun, full of laughter, a “Hollywood” Christmas or a disaster?  - More likely somewhere in between. 

Whether this is your first Christmas as a family or tenth, the key to having a great day is to have realistic expectations.  If your children squabble and bicker most days – don’t expect Christmas day to be any different.  Christmas can be a very stressful experience and leave you feeling disappointed.

I have put together my top tips to help you have a lovely fun day.

1.     Plan ahead – “By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail”. Benjamin Franklin

By having a plan and sticking to it you will feel in control.  Simplify Christmas dinner; children just want to play with their new toys! Prepare the trimmings the day before and consider buying a boneless ready stuffed turkey.

 

2.    Ensure you have a selection of batteries available for those toys that need them.

 

3.     If you have really young children, Christmas morning present opening can be overwhelming. Consider spreading opening presents over the course of the day.

 

4.     We often invite relatives for Christmas that we don’t really want, out of a sense of duty. If you feel you have to see them, then consider inviting them on another day over the Christmas period, when everyone is likely to be calmer.  And remain realistic.

 

5.     Put the glass tree baubles away for a few years, it’s not forever.  Buy some child friendly soft, fabric decorations, so when your toddler pulls them off you won’t get stressed out.

 

6.     Don’t do everything yourself, Enlist the help of your partner, older children and parents.

 

7.     Get outside, even if its raining or windy.  Wrap up and enjoy the outdoors, being outside helps get rid of pent up energy and irritation – leaving you all feeling much calmer.  Remember there is no such thing as bad weather only the wrong clothes.

The key to a great Christmas day is Planning and Perspective.  Have a great Christmas.

Loneliness of being a new mum

All through my life I’ve had periods where I have  felt really lonely. I have tried to understand why I should feel like this.  I have some lovely friends, great family and brilliant work colleagues and yet I still feel isolated and lonely at times.

One of the loneliest periods in my life was when I was a new parent, my son was 4 months old, my husband was working away two weeks at a time and we had just moved to a new area, so on the face of it I had good reason to feel lonely and isolated.  And I’m sure I’m not the only person to feel like this!

These days it is even easier to feel lonely; the extended family is a thing of the past.  If you are a single mum with only young children for company, it’s very likely you are feeling isolated. With social networking, like Facebook and Twitter, it’s easy to have loads of ‘friends’  but  there is no real connections.  You really can’t beat a telephone call or meeting face to face fo a good chat.

So what can you do to overcome these feelings and meet new people and make more friends.  Here are some suggestions:

Join Parent and Toddler Club, sometimes called Mother and Baby Club or Play and stay club; check out www.netmums.com for details of local clubs.  This is what I did after spending weeks feeling isolated and alone, I came to the decision that no one was going to come knocking on my door to be my friend, why would they, they didn't know I existed. It was the best decision I've ever made and yet I still had to work at making friends.  I got to know some of the mothers over a couple of weeks and then plucked up the courage to invite them to my home for coffee and the rest as they say is history.

You could enrol your child in a group such as Sing and Sign, not only good for you and baby but also useful for meeting other mum’s with children the same age. For a local club check out www.singandsign.com or Baby Gym, again good for you and baby, a good website is www.tumbletots.com.  There are many activities you can do with your baby and clubs to join, you just need to do a bit of research on the internet or check out the local free magazines like ABC which is pack full of essential information for parents.

And don't forget the National Childbirth Trust (NCT), they have regular coffee mornings and nearly new sales so lots of opportunities to meet other Mums, their website address is www.nct.org.uk.

If you have had experience of being isolated as a parent, it would be great to share your story and offer any tips on how you overcame this issue for other blog readers.

Check out my website for free ebook and Taster coaching session. www.lorraineburwood.co.uk

What Other People Think

I found myself chatting about the benefits of getting old with the sales lady in Marks & Spencer today. It’s my 60^th birthday and we decided that the older you get the less you don’t worry what other people think of you.

That got me thinking about how when my children were young I used to be very concerned about what other people thought about them , me and my parenting skills.  I now realise that this is not helpful. It put me under a lot of pressure and it didn't encourage my children to consider their actions.

By worrying about what other people think I am not going to be doing what is best for my child.  For instant if my child is running around in the supermarket (not bothering anyone) and because I am worrying about what other people think of me, I am likely to tell the child off. My focus is not on what is best for my child but on what other people are thinking of me or my child.

It isn’t that I want my child not to care about what people think, that isn’t the point. The point is that their worth and value is not a function of what others think.

What we need to teach our children is, to consider what the consequence of what they are about to do, is. To ask themselves “Can I live with the consequences?” We need to encourage them to look inside and consider what might happen If I do this or that.  It allows children to take responsibility for their lives and to look inside and not outside (worrying about what other people think).

Fast forward to their teenage years....

So instead of doing things as teenagers, like having unprotected sex or getting into a car with someone who  has been drinking, they are not worried about what their peer group think - they will consider the consequences and make better decisions.

Are you looking forward to the school holidays or dreading them?

School holidays can be very stressful and the British weather isn’t going to help.  So how do you survive and stay sane and even better enjoy the six plus weeks.

Here are a few tips to help

# 1 – Make a plan – involve the children, find out what they like doing and make a plan for the holiday period. Some suggestions – library visits; parks; museums; swimming.

# 2 - Swap your children - arrange for your children to spend an afternoon with friends and reciprocate.  Take advantage of the time your children are with their friends and spend the time doing something you want to do.  Remember when they have their friends around they are often easier to manage.

# 3 – Some ideas for indoors – have a treasure hunt.  Hide spare change; sweets or lollies; notes with activities on like: PlayStation challenge; Play a board game of your choice; Bake a treat with Mum. Give fun written or verbal clues to help them uncover the treasure.

# 4 – Remember the old favourites games: Kim’s game; What’s the time Mr Wolf? Simon Said;

# 5 – Bulld a camp in the living room - use the cushions from your sofa; cloths horse; sheets - let them have their tea in their camp.

# 6 – Go exploring in the park – look for insects; birds; animal footprints; different size, shape coloured leaves.  You could collect the leaves and make a scrap book and spend time finding out what they are etc.

I hope you found this blog useful.  If you want more ideas for surviving the school holidays, I am running a free “Surviving the School Holidays” workshop in Hove, East Sussex on Thursday 2^nd August 2012, 7.00pm – 9.00pm.  To reserve your place of find out more email me enquiries@lorraineburwood.co.uk or check out

http://www.lorraineburwood.co.uk/content/survivingtheschoolholidaysworkshop

If you have any tips you would like to share with other parents, please feel free to add a comment below.

What is a Parent Coach?

What is a Parent Coach is a question I am often asked. It’s a very good and relevant question. The dictionary definition of coach is “A person who trains or directs athletes or athletic teams.  A person who gives instruction, as in singing or acting.  A private tutor employed to prepare a student for an examination.”

This definition is not very helpful. In essence, coaching is a conversation, or a series of conversations between two people.  It is a form of learning, where the coach supports the client to develop in a way that benefits the client.  The coach works with the client on his goals, aspirations or desires on ways to move forward in his life and achieve his ambitions.

A parent coach helps parents with any issues they have around parenting; it could be the parent finds herself/himself constantly shouting at the child, resulting in everyone being unhappy or maybe they are running out of patience because their child refuses to go to bed/have a bath/do their homework etc.

Seeing a Parent Coach means you know that what you are doing isn’t working and that there are other ways of dealing with the issues and you need that extra help. You want to ensure your child gets the best start in life. Needing a Parent Coach does not mean that you are a bad parent or that your child is out of control, far from it, you have your child’s interests at heart.

Some of the benefits are:

·         Having fun again

·         Learning alternative tools and techniques

·         Finding effective way of listening and being heard

·         Discover that being a parent is easy

Try a free taster coaching session, now. Call 07958 467817 or email enquiries@lorraineburwood.co.uk

Check out my website – www.lorraineburwood.co.uk

What do you think about the naughty step?

In recent years it has become very fashionable to punish children by making them sit on the naughty step for time out. I am really interested to find out what you think about this as a discipline method?

I understand that there are occasions when it is in everyone’s interest to have some space and I think there are other ways to get this.  My issue with the naughty step is, that far from the child focusing on what they have done to merit being on the step and coming to the conclusion that what they did was wrong, that they are sorry and then decide not to do it again, it actually has the opposite effect.  

Think back to your own childhood and to something you did that evoked a negative reaction from your parents.  My experiences usually involved my younger sister and I would be sent to my room (the naughty step hadn’t been “invented” yet) to “think about what I had done” and to cool down! I wan’t allowed down until I had said sorry!

What might you be thinking about in this situation?  Would you be contrite or would you be seething?  Would you decide, a) I’m never going to do that again or b) I’m going to make sure I don’t get caught next time?  Maybe you might spend the time deciding how to get your revenge on your sibling or maybe you just felt helpless and decide life just isn’t fair.

Whatever your experience was, I’m guessing it didn’t have the desired effect.  

Some other ways to ensure better behaviour are:

• Praise positive behaviour
• Set a few clear and fair boundaries
• Be firm, but also listen to your child
• Set a good example
• Show your child you care with positive comments and lots of affection
• Use a reward system as these are also a positive way of encouraging good behaviour 

Remember, if you use the “Naughty” step often enough, your child will conclude that he is naughty and will play up to this label. 

You now know what I think of the Naughty Step but what do you thnk?  Please post your comment below.

Happy parenting.

Positive Impact

I am been really busy and am so excited, because I have been pulling together my new workshop for parents and the first one of these workshops is about  having a positive impact on our children.

A lot of adults have beliefs about themselves which are negative, such as “I’m not good enough”; “I’m not important” or “I’m a failure” but where do these beliefs come from?  These beliefs are formed in childhood, they come from the interactions you had primarily with your parents. But the vast majority of these adults will have had loving, caring and helpful parents.

So what sort of interactions would result in us growing up believing “I’m not good enough” etc?

Imagine you’re a child of around three years old and you’re at that “me do it” stage.  You want to dress yourself but you’re struggling with the buttons and your mum is in a rush to get out of the house, so she helps you with your buttons, she takes over. On another occasion you’re trying to pour milk onto your breakfast cereal but you’re making a mess, so you mum takes the milk carton from you, saying “look at the mess you’ve made” and on another occasion you’re playing with your Duplo and you’re dad comes in and you tell him you’re building a house and you’re dad sits down to help and very soon he’s build the house for you. What might you conclude? If these scenarios are repeated often enough you’re going to conclude “I’m useless” or “I’m a failure” or “I’m not good enough”.

These parents are loving parents, they want to help their child but inadvertently they are laying the foundations for these negative beliefs.  As the child grows up with these beliefs, he starts to filter his experience of the world through these beliefs and so they really do become his reality.

 Let’s look at the example of Jane and Sam:

Jane believes	Sam believes
I’m not good enough	I am good enough
I’m not important	I’m important
Mistakes and failures are bad	Mistakes and failures are learning opportunities
I’m not capable	I can do whatever I set out to do
What makes me good enough is other people thinking well of me	My worth is not a function of what other people think

Who is likely to be happier?        Jane or Sam? 

Who is likely to have more nurturing relationships?         Jane or Sam? 

Who would be more likely to have a successful career? Jane or Sam? 

I believe raising our children, the next generation, is the most important job in the world and yet we get no training. Would you offer me a job as an accountant or a lawyer if I hadn’t passed my exams?

For a free copy of my ebook; Seven Secrets of Successful Parents go to my website www.lorraineburwood.co.uk and complete the form.  Please feel free to share this blog.

How can your children benefit from their failures

Why it is important to fail and what can we do as parents to help our child benefit from these failures?

As parents we want our children to grow up to be successful and in order that they achieve this there will be failures along the way. How, we as parents handle these setbacks will determine how our children develop.

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What does your child conclude when he brings home a school report that is not up to standard and you get upset and cross, maybe even angry at him? He will already feel bad because he has let himself down but now you’re angry as well, he is likely to conclude that he is a failure. 

So what would be a better response?  You could ask a few open questions such as - “How do you feel about the report?” “What could you have done differently?” “What help do you need?”

These questions would allow your child to think about what he could do, he would feel understood and he would conclude that there was something he could do about it, instead of feeling a failure.

Remember it is not your job to produce results with your children.  When you expect your children to live up to your expectations, they are always going to live with the fear of failing and letting you down. This will stop them developing confidence and they will feel like they have to do what others want them to do and this will prevent them from being self-motivated.

Can you recall when your child was a baby and first started to walk, he didn’t go from crawling to walking without falling down a few times.  At first he let go of the sofa and stood then wobbled and sat down, but you didn’t get cross with him because he didn’t walk at his first attempt! Each time he took a few steps and sat down he learnt and the next time he would take another step until he was walking unaided.

Remember we learn more from our failures than from our successes.

Thomas A Edison said when asked by a reporter about his results when trying to invent the light bulb - “Results! Why, man, I have got lots of results. I know several thousand things that won't work.” Thomas A Edison

Unconditional Love

What does unconditional love mean to you?  The dictionary definition is: Not subject to conditions; Complete. As parents we are expected to feel unconditional love for our children but do our children feel loved unconditionally.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes – close your eyes and imagine how it felt as a child when you had done something that  upset your mum (it’s not important what it is), now remember  what your mum did or said; how did she look? Did she turn her back and walk away? Did she hit you or shouted at you? How do you feel right now? Do you feel loved?

It’s very difficult to feel loved when you are being told off, shouted at or smacked. What we need to ensure, when our children have done something we don’t like, is that we separate the deed from the child.

http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062

So it is important that they understand that you are upset at what they did and not at them.  Remember to tell your child that you love them unconditionally and support this with your actions.

I really value your feedback and comments.

Sibling Rivalry

As a child and the eldest of four, I often felt unfairly treated. My sister who was less than a year younger than me appeared to have a much easier time than I did.  As the eldest I was always expected to know better and I frequently got into trouble on behalf of my younger sister just because I should have known better!  What I really got upset about though was that at each stage of growing up,  such as being allowed to stay up later or being allowed to wear heels, and usually after having pressurised my parents to let me do each of these “grown up” things and my sister was always allowed to do them at the same time.  So I was expected to be the sensible older sister, to “take the blame” and at the same time not getting any of the privileges, as I saw it, of being the eldest. It was so unfair.

So when I had my own three children I resolved to treat them the same, to love them equally and above all be fair. I concluded that if I loved them equally and treated them the same they would love each other and we would live happily ever after.  I know a little bit naïve!

Anyhow, I persevered with this behaviour and belief, until I realised a number of things; that they didn’t want to be love the same, each one of them wanted to feel that they were more special; that as they were different ages with five years between the oldest and youngest, I was never going to be able to treat them the same, they had different needs and expectations.

Imagine if you asked your partner “Who do you love more me or your mother?”  If he answered he loved you the same, I expect you would be pretty mad with him. If he said “My mother is my mother, you’re the fascinating, sexy women I want to spend the rest of my life with” my guess is you would feel pretty special.  Well it’s the same with your children, it important to find their uniqueness and love them for it.

To love equally is to love less, to be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self, is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.

So instead of claiming equal love, show your children how they’re love uniquely.  If your child asks you who you love the best, instead of saying “I love you all the same” try “Each of you is special to me, you are my only (child’s name). In the whole world there is not another one like you”.

Feel free to leave me a comment, whether you agree or not, I welcome your opionons.

Who's the boss?

Most of us believe, as parents, that as the adult in the relationship we know best. We believe that our children should obey us and do as we tell them.

When you tell them to do something and they drop what they are doing and do as you have told them, do you feel proud? If they don’t obey, do you get annoyed or frustrated? If your children don’t want what you’re having for dinner or they say they‘re not hungry, do you get annoyed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then your focus is on what you want and not what they want or need.  These are not safety issues - it’s just what you want.  If you get angry or annoyed rather than give up what you want, then you must believe that what you want is more important than what your child wants.

In other words – my child must do what I want because I am the “boss”.  You might be saying to yourself, but I am the boss and just maybe there is a better way.

It’s important to remember that

·    it is our job as parents to teach and guide, that’s different than being the boss

·    our children are not here to live up to our expectations, we are their guides and mentors

·    our job is to support them in being all that they can be

Maybe getting our children to behave is good for us as parents but it is not necessarily good for our children.  It might make our lives easier but what does it do to them?

If we succeed in getting our children to do what we want and as a result our children form negative self-esteem beliefs, was it worth it in short term when the long-term cost are so high?

If our children conclude I’m not good enough, I’m powerless or what I want doesn’t matter - was it worth it?

Imagine for a second that you have invited friends over for dinner.  The doorbell rings and your guests are a few minutes late. You open the door and you say “Can’t you ever be on time? I told you to be here for 8 o’clock and you’ve kept us waiting – you’re so thoughtless”.

Then you sit down at the dinner table and your guest picks up his knife and fork to eat and you say to him, “Have you washed your hands? No… go and wash them right now.”

During the meal you pass the food to your guest and he says “No thanks, I don’t eat asparagus” and you reply, “well you should, it’s good for you.”

Would you actually ever speak to a friend like that? No, of course not! How would your friend feel if you did? Would they come to your home to eat again? I doubt it!

So why do we treat our children, the most precious gifts in our lives, in a way that we would never treat a friend?

So instead of looking at your children as if you own them, that they are yours to do with as you  wish – hold them as if they are precious gifts who were given to you for a short time to guide, love and empower. 

Over the next few weeks, notice when you are acting as the boss, being arbitrary and ask yourself if that action is producing a positive believe or a negative one.  What will your child conclude from the interaction? Will he think I am listened to,  I’m important  or will he think I’m unimportant, I don’t matter?

I would love to get some comments and feedback.  Thanks

Pictures: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=404

Parent to Success

I am so excited - I have been working hard putting together my workshop - Parent to Success - and now I am ready to lauch it.  I have booked the venues, ordered the cards and am now working on promoting the events.

What can you expect at these Introductory Workshop? You will get to find out a bit more about me and my story and I will find out about you and your parenting issues. You will meet other parents who share your aspirations and dreams for your children and you will learn some powerful tools to help you parent your children more effectively.

I am running these workshops in Horsham, Chichester and Brighton but places are limited. Check out my website for dates and early bird offers http://www.lorraineburwood.co.uk/ or book at http://parenttosuccess.eventbrite.com/.

Please leave your comments below.

To obey or not to obey, that is the questions?

Have you ever wondered why your child heeds some instructions but not others? You’ve told him not to touch the oven because it’s hot and he has understood and obeys and yet you’ve told him not to play with the DVD player and he seems to ignore your instructions. 

One reason for this is the way you give the instructions, for instance when you are telling your child not to touch or do something that involves the possibility that he may get hurt, your instructions and body language are aligned.  He can see that what you say and how you say it are congruent.

With other instructions like playing with the DVD or getting all you saucepans out of your cupboard, you may be saying “no” but nodding “yes”, because maybe you think it’s cute or not really that important, so you are giving mixed messages.  It is the same when you are telling you child off because you are out in public and maybe worried about what other people might think rather that what the child is doing, so again your body language and your words do not match and consequently the child may not obey and will become confused.

I hope you are enjoying these tips and I would really love to get some feedback.  You can email me; enquiries@lorraineburwood.co.uk. 

For more information about me and my services go to www.lorraineburwood.co.uk.

Photo - FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Helping our children deal with their feelings

How do you see your role as a parent?  I believe my role is to love and nuture my children, to encourage and protect them.

When our children are born they are 100% dependant on us for all their needs and by the time they are adults they should be 100% independant.

During the course of my parenting I, as many parents, wanted to protect my children from the pains of growing up, such as feeling of failure or rejection.

Like most parents, I would try and make my child feel better by telling him it didn't matter or they are not important or his friend that had just rejected him wasn't a nice child etc. But what I was doing was not allowing or acknowledging his feelings, I was trying to make him feel better because I didn't like to see him upset and hurt.  But all I was doing was making him more upset and angry.

If you think about it, as adults we feel the same.  Imagine you're upset about something, maybe you've had a row with someone at work, your partner comes and puts his arms around you and says "It's not worth getting upset about."  How do you feel? Do you feel listened to? Have your feelings been acknowledged?  I guess you're probably thinking he doesn't understand, you might be feeling angry towards him!  He is trying to make you feel better but it's not working.

This is the exactly how our children feel.  So what can you do to help and at the same time allow your children to feel, whatever emotions they feel.

Next time you're in this position, instead of trying to make it better etc. acknowledge your childs feelings by saying something like, "I can see you're feeling upset/angry/sad because of ......."

Far from opening the floodgates as you might suppose your child will feel listened to and understood and will then go into more details about what happened and often will come up with a solution.

Here are two senarios:

Take 1

Child: "My goldfish is dead, he was alive this morning"
Parent:  "Now don't get upset, don't cry, it's only a goldfish"
Child - cries even more
Parent:  "Stop crying, I'll get you another goldfish"
Child:  "I don't want another one"
Parent:  "Now you're being unreasonable"

So what just happened? The child was upset about his goldfish dying but the parent, by trying to defuse the situation, offering to buy an new one, actually made the situation worse.

Take 2

Child:  "My goldfish is dead, he was alive this morning"
Parent:  "Oh no, what a shock"
Child:  "He was my best friend"
Parent:  "To lose a friend can hurt. You really cared about that goldfish"
Child:  "I fed him everyday"

In this senario the child has his feelings acknowledged and can then happily talk about his goldfish.

Parent's don't usually give this kind of response because they think that by giving the feelings a name they will make it worse but just the opposite is true.  the child hears the words for what his is feeling and is comforted.

Why don't you give it a try and let me know how it went.  Let me know what you think about this blog.

Check out my website www.lorraineburwood.co.uk 

Photograph - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Building your child’s self-esteem

What is self-esteem? Why is self-esteem so important? How do we ensure our children grow up with loads of self-esteem?  These are very powerful questions.

Self-esteem is how one esteems oneself, in other words it is what you think about yourself.  Do you think of yourself as OK or not OK? Do you think of yourself as lovable and therefore I matter or the opposite?

Self-esteem is so important because it is the key to having a happy and successful life.  Did you know that underlying nearly all unwanted behaviour patterns are negative self-esteem beliefs?

So how can you ensure that your children grow up with high self-esteem, to have happy and successful lives?

Lots of us grew up in very critical homes and I am sure you want to ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes your parents made, so you’re probably heaping lots of praise on your children say things like; “That was great, I’m so proud of you” or “Well done, you are a clever boy/girl”.  And that doesn’t build self-esteem, all though it is better that criticism, it loses credibility if your child doesn’t think it was great or they are clever.

There is nothing wrong with praise. The problem is when you constantly praise your child, they start to look for approval outside and they need the praise to feel good about themselves. They can become “approval junkies” So what do you do instead?

Instead of saying to a child who has just tidied his room; “Well done, what a good boy you are.” You could try one of the following:

Describe what you see – “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed and books all neatly lined up on your shelf.” Or

Describe what you feel – “It’s a pleasure to walk into your room.”

Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behaviour with a word – “You sorted out your pencils, crayons and pens and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organisation.”

The difference is you’re giving your child positive feedback and he can take that on board and self-praise.  So he will think to himself, after receiving this feedback, I’m really good at tidying my bedroom or I’m pretty organised.

If you are looking for a good book to help you be the best parent you can be I recommend - "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, published by Piccadilly Press.

Looking forward to reading your comments.

Check out my website at http://www.lorraineburwood.co.uk/

Engaging Co-operation

If you are one of many parents that have a daily struggle to get your children to behave in ways that are acceptable to you and to society?  Part of the issue revolves around the conflict of needs.  The adult need is for some semblance of cleanliness, order, courtesy and routine. The children couldn’t care less.  How many of them would, of their own volition take a bath, say “please” or “thank you”, or change their underwear?  And sometime the more intense we become the more actively they resist.

I am sure there are times when your children think of you as the “enemy” – the one that is always making them do what they didn’t want to do: “wash your hands… keep your voices down… hang up your coat… did you do your homework?… get into bed… go to sleep.”

And you’re the one who stops them doing what they want to do: “Don’t eat with your fingers… don’t jump on the sofa… don’t pull the cat’s tail…”

Your children’s attitude becomes “I’ll do what I want” and your attitude becomes, “You’ll do as I say” and the fight goes on.

Some of the common methods used by adults to get children to co-operate are:

1.    Blaming and accusing – “how many times do I have to tell you to….”

2.    Name calling – “that was a really stupid thing to do”

3.    Threats – “If you haven’t finished dressing by the time I count to three, I going without you”

4.    Warnings – “Don’t run, you’re fall over”

5.    Martyrdom statement – “Will you two stop shouting…you’ll make me ill”

6.    Comparisons – “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother”

Here are five skills that have been found to be helpful to other parents.  Not everyone of then will work with every child or every situation and there isn’t one that is effective all the time.  What these skills do, however, is create a climate of respect in which the spirit of co-operation can begin to grow.

To Engage Co-operation

1.    Describe. Describe what you see, or describe the problem.

Instead of – “you’re so stupid, you always leave the bath tap running and forget about it, do you want us to have a flood.”

Describe – “the water in the bath is getting close to the top”

2.    Give information.

Instead of – “Who drank the milk and left the bottle out?”
Give information – Kids milk turns sour when it’s left out of the fridge.”

3.    Say it with a word

Instead of – “I’ve been asking and asking you to get into your pyjamas and you’re still watching TV, you agreed to get into your pyjamas before you watched TV.” Say it with a word – Kids, pyjamas!

4.    Talk about feelings.

Instead of – “What is wrong with you always leave the wet towels on the floor?”  Talk about feelings – “It bothers me when leave the wet towels on the floor because they won’t dry and get smelly.”

5.    Write a note.

A note of the television reads – Before you turn this on – THINK – have I done my homework?

Sometimes when we are stressed or tired using new skills can seem very difficult and we often revert to our “default” position of one of them ways listed above.  Remember you are human and this is a natural reaction. So give yourself a break and you will get other opportunities to use these new skills.

I would appreciate your feedback. What you found helpful? What worked well? What didn’t?