What do you think about the naughty step?

In recent years it has become very fashionable to punish children by making them sit on the naughty step for time out. I am really interested to find out what you think about this as a discipline method?

I understand that there are occasions when it is in everyone’s interest to have some space and I think there are other ways to get this.  My issue with the naughty step is, that far from the child focusing on what they have done to merit being on the step and coming to the conclusion that what they did was wrong, that they are sorry and then decide not to do it again, it actually has the opposite effect.  

Think back to your own childhood and to something you did that evoked a negative reaction from your parents.  My experiences usually involved my younger sister and I would be sent to my room (the naughty step hadn’t been “invented” yet) to “think about what I had done” and to cool down! I wan’t allowed down until I had said sorry!

What might you be thinking about in this situation?  Would you be contrite or would you be seething?  Would you decide, a) I’m never going to do that again or b) I’m going to make sure I don’t get caught next time?  Maybe you might spend the time deciding how to get your revenge on your sibling or maybe you just felt helpless and decide life just isn’t fair.

Whatever your experience was, I’m guessing it didn’t have the desired effect.  

Some other ways to ensure better behaviour are:

• Praise positive behaviour
• Set a few clear and fair boundaries
• Be firm, but also listen to your child
• Set a good example
• Show your child you care with positive comments and lots of affection
• Use a reward system as these are also a positive way of encouraging good behaviour 

Remember, if you use the “Naughty” step often enough, your child will conclude that he is naughty and will play up to this label. 

You now know what I think of the Naughty Step but what do you thnk?  Please post your comment below.

Happy parenting.

Positive Impact

I am been really busy and am so excited, because I have been pulling together my new workshop for parents and the first one of these workshops is about  having a positive impact on our children.

A lot of adults have beliefs about themselves which are negative, such as “I’m not good enough”; “I’m not important” or “I’m a failure” but where do these beliefs come from?  These beliefs are formed in childhood, they come from the interactions you had primarily with your parents. But the vast majority of these adults will have had loving, caring and helpful parents.

So what sort of interactions would result in us growing up believing “I’m not good enough” etc?

Imagine you’re a child of around three years old and you’re at that “me do it” stage.  You want to dress yourself but you’re struggling with the buttons and your mum is in a rush to get out of the house, so she helps you with your buttons, she takes over. On another occasion you’re trying to pour milk onto your breakfast cereal but you’re making a mess, so you mum takes the milk carton from you, saying “look at the mess you’ve made” and on another occasion you’re playing with your Duplo and you’re dad comes in and you tell him you’re building a house and you’re dad sits down to help and very soon he’s build the house for you. What might you conclude? If these scenarios are repeated often enough you’re going to conclude “I’m useless” or “I’m a failure” or “I’m not good enough”.

These parents are loving parents, they want to help their child but inadvertently they are laying the foundations for these negative beliefs.  As the child grows up with these beliefs, he starts to filter his experience of the world through these beliefs and so they really do become his reality.

 Let’s look at the example of Jane and Sam:

Jane believes	Sam believes
I’m not good enough	I am good enough
I’m not important	I’m important
Mistakes and failures are bad	Mistakes and failures are learning opportunities
I’m not capable	I can do whatever I set out to do
What makes me good enough is other people thinking well of me	My worth is not a function of what other people think

Who is likely to be happier?        Jane or Sam? 

Who is likely to have more nurturing relationships?         Jane or Sam? 

Who would be more likely to have a successful career? Jane or Sam? 

I believe raising our children, the next generation, is the most important job in the world and yet we get no training. Would you offer me a job as an accountant or a lawyer if I hadn’t passed my exams?

For a free copy of my ebook; Seven Secrets of Successful Parents go to my website www.lorraineburwood.co.uk and complete the form.  Please feel free to share this blog.

How can your children benefit from their failures

Why it is important to fail and what can we do as parents to help our child benefit from these failures?

As parents we want our children to grow up to be successful and in order that they achieve this there will be failures along the way. How, we as parents handle these setbacks will determine how our children develop.

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What does your child conclude when he brings home a school report that is not up to standard and you get upset and cross, maybe even angry at him? He will already feel bad because he has let himself down but now you’re angry as well, he is likely to conclude that he is a failure. 

So what would be a better response?  You could ask a few open questions such as - “How do you feel about the report?” “What could you have done differently?” “What help do you need?”

These questions would allow your child to think about what he could do, he would feel understood and he would conclude that there was something he could do about it, instead of feeling a failure.

Remember it is not your job to produce results with your children.  When you expect your children to live up to your expectations, they are always going to live with the fear of failing and letting you down. This will stop them developing confidence and they will feel like they have to do what others want them to do and this will prevent them from being self-motivated.

Can you recall when your child was a baby and first started to walk, he didn’t go from crawling to walking without falling down a few times.  At first he let go of the sofa and stood then wobbled and sat down, but you didn’t get cross with him because he didn’t walk at his first attempt! Each time he took a few steps and sat down he learnt and the next time he would take another step until he was walking unaided.

Remember we learn more from our failures than from our successes.

Thomas A Edison said when asked by a reporter about his results when trying to invent the light bulb - “Results! Why, man, I have got lots of results. I know several thousand things that won't work.” Thomas A Edison

Unconditional Love

What does unconditional love mean to you?  The dictionary definition is: Not subject to conditions; Complete. As parents we are expected to feel unconditional love for our children but do our children feel loved unconditionally.

Put yourself in your child’s shoes – close your eyes and imagine how it felt as a child when you had done something that  upset your mum (it’s not important what it is), now remember  what your mum did or said; how did she look? Did she turn her back and walk away? Did she hit you or shouted at you? How do you feel right now? Do you feel loved?

It’s very difficult to feel loved when you are being told off, shouted at or smacked. What we need to ensure, when our children have done something we don’t like, is that we separate the deed from the child.

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So it is important that they understand that you are upset at what they did and not at them.  Remember to tell your child that you love them unconditionally and support this with your actions.

I really value your feedback and comments.

Sibling Rivalry

As a child and the eldest of four, I often felt unfairly treated. My sister who was less than a year younger than me appeared to have a much easier time than I did.  As the eldest I was always expected to know better and I frequently got into trouble on behalf of my younger sister just because I should have known better!  What I really got upset about though was that at each stage of growing up,  such as being allowed to stay up later or being allowed to wear heels, and usually after having pressurised my parents to let me do each of these “grown up” things and my sister was always allowed to do them at the same time.  So I was expected to be the sensible older sister, to “take the blame” and at the same time not getting any of the privileges, as I saw it, of being the eldest. It was so unfair.

So when I had my own three children I resolved to treat them the same, to love them equally and above all be fair. I concluded that if I loved them equally and treated them the same they would love each other and we would live happily ever after.  I know a little bit naïve!

Anyhow, I persevered with this behaviour and belief, until I realised a number of things; that they didn’t want to be love the same, each one of them wanted to feel that they were more special; that as they were different ages with five years between the oldest and youngest, I was never going to be able to treat them the same, they had different needs and expectations.

Imagine if you asked your partner “Who do you love more me or your mother?”  If he answered he loved you the same, I expect you would be pretty mad with him. If he said “My mother is my mother, you’re the fascinating, sexy women I want to spend the rest of my life with” my guess is you would feel pretty special.  Well it’s the same with your children, it important to find their uniqueness and love them for it.

To love equally is to love less, to be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self, is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.

So instead of claiming equal love, show your children how they’re love uniquely.  If your child asks you who you love the best, instead of saying “I love you all the same” try “Each of you is special to me, you are my only (child’s name). In the whole world there is not another one like you”.

Feel free to leave me a comment, whether you agree or not, I welcome your opionons.

Who's the boss?

Most of us believe, as parents, that as the adult in the relationship we know best. We believe that our children should obey us and do as we tell them.

When you tell them to do something and they drop what they are doing and do as you have told them, do you feel proud? If they don’t obey, do you get annoyed or frustrated? If your children don’t want what you’re having for dinner or they say they‘re not hungry, do you get annoyed?

If you answered yes to any of these questions then your focus is on what you want and not what they want or need.  These are not safety issues - it’s just what you want.  If you get angry or annoyed rather than give up what you want, then you must believe that what you want is more important than what your child wants.

In other words – my child must do what I want because I am the “boss”.  You might be saying to yourself, but I am the boss and just maybe there is a better way.

It’s important to remember that

·    it is our job as parents to teach and guide, that’s different than being the boss

·    our children are not here to live up to our expectations, we are their guides and mentors

·    our job is to support them in being all that they can be

Maybe getting our children to behave is good for us as parents but it is not necessarily good for our children.  It might make our lives easier but what does it do to them?

If we succeed in getting our children to do what we want and as a result our children form negative self-esteem beliefs, was it worth it in short term when the long-term cost are so high?

If our children conclude I’m not good enough, I’m powerless or what I want doesn’t matter - was it worth it?

Imagine for a second that you have invited friends over for dinner.  The doorbell rings and your guests are a few minutes late. You open the door and you say “Can’t you ever be on time? I told you to be here for 8 o’clock and you’ve kept us waiting – you’re so thoughtless”.

Then you sit down at the dinner table and your guest picks up his knife and fork to eat and you say to him, “Have you washed your hands? No… go and wash them right now.”

During the meal you pass the food to your guest and he says “No thanks, I don’t eat asparagus” and you reply, “well you should, it’s good for you.”

Would you actually ever speak to a friend like that? No, of course not! How would your friend feel if you did? Would they come to your home to eat again? I doubt it!

So why do we treat our children, the most precious gifts in our lives, in a way that we would never treat a friend?

So instead of looking at your children as if you own them, that they are yours to do with as you  wish – hold them as if they are precious gifts who were given to you for a short time to guide, love and empower. 

Over the next few weeks, notice when you are acting as the boss, being arbitrary and ask yourself if that action is producing a positive believe or a negative one.  What will your child conclude from the interaction? Will he think I am listened to,  I’m important  or will he think I’m unimportant, I don’t matter?

I would love to get some comments and feedback.  Thanks

Pictures: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=404

Parent to Success

I am so excited - I have been working hard putting together my workshop - Parent to Success - and now I am ready to lauch it.  I have booked the venues, ordered the cards and am now working on promoting the events.

What can you expect at these Introductory Workshop? You will get to find out a bit more about me and my story and I will find out about you and your parenting issues. You will meet other parents who share your aspirations and dreams for your children and you will learn some powerful tools to help you parent your children more effectively.

I am running these workshops in Horsham, Chichester and Brighton but places are limited. Check out my website for dates and early bird offers http://www.lorraineburwood.co.uk/ or book at http://parenttosuccess.eventbrite.com/.

Please leave your comments below.