Tuesday 1 November 2011

Unconditional Love

What does unconditional love mean to you?  The dictionary definition is: Not subject to conditions; Complete. As parents we are expected to feel unconditional love for our children but do our children feel loved unconditionally.
Put yourself in your child’s shoes – close your eyes and imagine how it felt as a child when you had done something that  upset your mum (it’s not important what it is), now remember  what your mum did or said; how did she look? Did she turn her back and walk away? Did she hit you or shouted at you? How do you feel right now? Do you feel loved?
It’s very difficult to feel loved when you are being told off, shouted at or smacked. What we need to ensure, when our children have done something we don’t like, is that we separate the deed from the child.
http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=3062
So it is important that they understand that you are upset at what they did and not at them.  Remember to tell your child that you love them unconditionally and support this with your actions.
I really value your feedback and comments.

Wednesday 5 October 2011

Sibling Rivalry

As a child and the eldest of four, I often felt unfairly treated. My sister who was less than a year younger than me appeared to have a much easier time than I did.  As the eldest I was always expected to know better and I frequently got into trouble on behalf of my younger sister just because I should have known better!  What I really got upset about though was that at each stage of growing up,  such as being allowed to stay up later or being allowed to wear heels, and usually after having pressurised my parents to let me do each of these “grown up” things and my sister was always allowed to do them at the same time.  So I was expected to be the sensible older sister, to “take the blame” and at the same time not getting any of the privileges, as I saw it, of being the eldest. It was so unfair.
So when I had my own three children I resolved to treat them the same, to love them equally and above all be fair. I concluded that if I loved them equally and treated them the same they would love each other and we would live happily ever after.  I know a little bit naïve!
Anyhow, I persevered with this behaviour and belief, until I realised a number of things; that they didn’t want to be love the same, each one of them wanted to feel that they were more special; that as they were different ages with five years between the oldest and youngest, I was never going to be able to treat them the same, they had different needs and expectations.
Imagine if you asked your partner “Who do you love more me or your mother?”  If he answered he loved you the same, I expect you would be pretty mad with him. If he said “My mother is my mother, you’re the fascinating, sexy women I want to spend the rest of my life with” my guess is you would feel pretty special.  Well it’s the same with your children, it important to find their uniqueness and love them for it.
To love equally is to love less, to be loved uniquely – for one’s own special self, is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.
So instead of claiming equal love, show your children how they’re love uniquely.  If your child asks you who you love the best, instead of saying “I love you all the same” try “Each of you is special to me, you are my only (child’s name). In the whole world there is not another one like you”.
Feel free to leave me a comment, whether you agree or not, I welcome your opionons.

Wednesday 28 September 2011

Who's the boss?

Most of us believe, as parents, that as the adult in the relationship we know best. We believe that our children should obey us and do as we tell them.
When you tell them to do something and they drop what they are doing and do as you have told them, do you feel proud? If they don’t obey, do you get annoyed or frustrated? If your children don’t want what you’re having for dinner or they say they‘re not hungry, do you get annoyed?
If you answered yes to any of these questions then your focus is on what you want and not what they want or need.  These are not safety issues - it’s just what you want.  If you get angry or annoyed rather than give up what you want, then you must believe that what you want is more important than what your child wants.
In other words – my child must do what I want because I am the “boss”.  You might be saying to yourself, but I am the boss and just maybe there is a better way.
It’s important to remember that
·    it is our job as parents to teach and guide, that’s different than being the boss
·    our children are not here to live up to our expectations, we are their guides and mentors
·    our job is to support them in being all that they can be
Maybe getting our children to behave is good for us as parents but it is not necessarily good for our children.  It might make our lives easier but what does it do to them?
If we succeed in getting our children to do what we want and as a result our children form negative self-esteem beliefs, was it worth it in short term when the long-term cost are so high?
If our children conclude I’m not good enough, I’m powerless or what I want doesn’t matter - was it worth it?
Imagine for a second that you have invited friends over for dinner.  The doorbell rings and your guests are a few minutes late. You open the door and you say “Can’t you ever be on time? I told you to be here for 8 o’clock and you’ve kept us waiting – you’re so thoughtless”.
Then you sit down at the dinner table and your guest picks up his knife and fork to eat and you say to him, “Have you washed your hands? No… go and wash them right now.”
During the meal you pass the food to your guest and he says “No thanks, I don’t eat asparagus” and you reply, “well you should, it’s good for you.”
Would you actually ever speak to a friend like that? No, of course not! How would your friend feel if you did? Would they come to your home to eat again? I doubt it!
So why do we treat our children, the most precious gifts in our lives, in a way that we would never treat a friend?
So instead of looking at your children as if you own them, that they are yours to do with as you  wish – hold them as if they are precious gifts who were given to you for a short time to guide, love and empower. 

Over the next few weeks, notice when you are acting as the boss, being arbitrary and ask yourself if that action is producing a positive believe or a negative one.  What will your child conclude from the interaction? Will he think I am listened to,  I’m important  or will he think I’m unimportant, I don’t matter?
I would love to get some comments and feedback.  Thanks

Pictures: http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=404

Wednesday 7 September 2011

Parent to Success

I am so excited - I have been working hard putting together my workshop - Parent to Success - and now I am ready to lauch it.  I have booked the venues, ordered the cards and am now working on promoting the events.

What can you expect at these Introductory Workshop? You will get to find out a bit more about me and my story and I will find out about you and your parenting issues. You will meet other parents who share your aspirations and dreams for your children and you will learn some powerful tools to help you parent your children more effectively.

I am running these workshops in Horsham, Chichester and Brighton but places are limited. Check out my website for dates and early bird offers http://www.lorraineburwood.co.uk/ or book at http://parenttosuccess.eventbrite.com/.

Please leave your comments below.

Tuesday 30 August 2011

To obey or not to obey, that is the questions?

Have you ever wondered why your child heeds some instructions but not others? You’ve told him not to touch the oven because it’s hot and he has understood and obeys and yet you’ve told him not to play with the DVD player and he seems to ignore your instructions. 
One reason for this is the way you give the instructions, for instance when you are telling your child not to touch or do something that involves the possibility that he may get hurt, your instructions and body language are aligned.  He can see that what you say and how you say it are congruent.
With other instructions like playing with the DVD or getting all you saucepans out of your cupboard, you may be saying “no” but nodding “yes”, because maybe you think it’s cute or not really that important, so you are giving mixed messages.  It is the same when you are telling you child off because you are out in public and maybe worried about what other people might think rather that what the child is doing, so again your body language and your words do not match and consequently the child may not obey and will become confused.
I hope you are enjoying these tips and I would really love to get some feedback.  You can email me; enquiries@lorraineburwood.co.uk. 
For more information about me and my services go to www.lorraineburwood.co.uk.

Photo - FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Tuesday 23 August 2011

Helping our children deal with their feelings

How do you see your role as a parent?  I believe my role is to love and nuture my children, to encourage and protect them.

When our children are born they are 100% dependant on us for all their needs and by the time they are adults they should be 100% independant.

During the course of my parenting I, as many parents, wanted to protect my children from the pains of growing up, such as feeling of failure or rejection.

Like most parents, I would try and make my child feel better by telling him it didn't matter or they are not important or his friend that had just rejected him wasn't a nice child etc. But what I was doing was not allowing or acknowledging his feelings, I was trying to make him feel better because I didn't like to see him upset and hurt.  But all I was doing was making him more upset and angry.

If you think about it, as adults we feel the same.  Imagine you're upset about something, maybe you've had a row with someone at work, your partner comes and puts his arms around you and says "It's not worth getting upset about."  How do you feel? Do you feel listened to? Have your feelings been acknowledged?  I guess you're probably thinking he doesn't understand, you might be feeling angry towards him!  He is trying to make you feel better but it's not working.

This is the exactly how our children feel.  So what can you do to help and at the same time allow your children to feel, whatever emotions they feel.

Next time you're in this position, instead of trying to make it better etc. acknowledge your childs feelings by saying something like, "I can see you're feeling upset/angry/sad because of ......."

Far from opening the floodgates as you might suppose your child will feel listened to and understood and will then go into more details about what happened and often will come up with a solution.

Here are two senarios:

Take 1

Child: "My goldfish is dead, he was alive this morning"
Parent:  "Now don't get upset, don't cry, it's only a goldfish"
Child - cries even more
Parent:  "Stop crying, I'll get you another goldfish"
Child:  "I don't want another one"
Parent:  "Now you're being unreasonable"

So what just happened? The child was upset about his goldfish dying but the parent, by trying to defuse the situation, offering to buy an new one, actually made the situation worse.

Take 2

Child:  "My goldfish is dead, he was alive this morning"
Parent:  "Oh no, what a shock"
Child:  "He was my best friend"
Parent:  "To lose a friend can hurt. You really cared about that goldfish"
Child:  "I fed him everyday"

In this senario the child has his feelings acknowledged and can then happily talk about his goldfish.

Parent's don't usually give this kind of response because they think that by giving the feelings a name they will make it worse but just the opposite is true.  the child hears the words for what his is feeling and is comforted.

Why don't you give it a try and let me know how it went.  Let me know what you think about this blog.

Check out my website www.lorraineburwood.co.uk 

Photograph - http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2125

Tuesday 2 August 2011

Building your child’s self-esteem

What is self-esteem? Why is self-esteem so important? How do we ensure our children grow up with loads of self-esteem?  These are very powerful questions.
Self-esteem is how one esteems oneself, in other words it is what you think about yourself.  Do you think of yourself as OK or not OK? Do you think of yourself as lovable and therefore I matter or the opposite?
Self-esteem is so important because it is the key to having a happy and successful life.  Did you know that underlying nearly all unwanted behaviour patterns are negative self-esteem beliefs?
So how can you ensure that your children grow up with high self-esteem, to have happy and successful lives?
Lots of us grew up in very critical homes and I am sure you want to ensure that you don’t make the same mistakes your parents made, so you’re probably heaping lots of praise on your children say things like; “That was great, I’m so proud of you” or “Well done, you are a clever boy/girl”.  And that doesn’t build self-esteem, all though it is better that criticism, it loses credibility if your child doesn’t think it was great or they are clever.
There is nothing wrong with praise. The problem is when you constantly praise your child, they start to look for approval outside and they need the praise to feel good about themselves. They can become “approval junkies” So what do you do instead?
Instead of saying to a child who has just tidied his room; “Well done, what a good boy you are.” You could try one of the following:
Describe what you see – “I see a clean floor, a smooth bed and books all neatly lined up on your shelf.” Or
Describe what you feel – “It’s a pleasure to walk into your room.”
Sum up the child’s praiseworthy behaviour with a word – “You sorted out your pencils, crayons and pens and put them in separate boxes. That’s what I call organisation.”
The difference is you’re giving your child positive feedback and he can take that on board and self-praise.  So he will think to himself, after receiving this feedback, I’m really good at tidying my bedroom or I’m pretty organised.

If you are looking for a good book to help you be the best parent you can be I recommend - "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, published by Piccadilly Press.

Looking forward to reading your comments.

Check out my website at http://www.lorraineburwood.co.uk/

Wednesday 27 July 2011

Engaging Co-operation

If you are one of many parents that have a daily struggle to get your children to behave in ways that are acceptable to you and to society?  Part of the issue revolves around the conflict of needs.  The adult need is for some semblance of cleanliness, order, courtesy and routine. The children couldn’t care less.  How many of them would, of their own volition take a bath, say “please” or “thank you”, or change their underwear?  And sometime the more intense we become the more actively they resist.

I am sure there are times when your children think of you as the “enemy” – the one that is always making them do what they didn’t want to do: “wash your hands… keep your voices down… hang up your coat… did you do your homework?… get into bed… go to sleep.”

And you’re the one who stops them doing what they want to do: “Don’t eat with your fingers… don’t jump on the sofa… don’t pull the cat’s tail…”

Your children’s attitude becomes “I’ll do what I want” and your attitude becomes, “You’ll do as I say” and the fight goes on.

Some of the common methods used by adults to get children to co-operate are:

1.    Blaming and accusing – “how many times do I have to tell you to….”
2.    Name calling – “that was a really stupid thing to do”
3.    Threats – “If you haven’t finished dressing by the time I count to three, I going without you”
4.    Warnings – “Don’t run, you’re fall over”
5.    Martyrdom statement – “Will you two stop shouting…you’ll make me ill”
6.    Comparisons – “Why can’t you be more like your sister/brother”

Here are five skills that have been found to be helpful to other parents.  Not everyone of then will work with every child or every situation and there isn’t one that is effective all the time.  What these skills do, however, is create a climate of respect in which the spirit of co-operation can begin to grow.

To Engage Co-operation

1.    Describe. Describe what you see, or describe the problem.

Instead of – “you’re so stupid, you always leave the bath tap running and forget about it, do you want us to have a flood.”
Describe – “the water in the bath is getting close to the top”


2.    Give information.

Instead of – “Who drank the milk and left the bottle out?”
Give information – Kids milk turns sour when it’s left out of the fridge.”



3.    Say it with a word

Instead of – “I’ve been asking and asking you to get into your pyjamas and you’re still watching TV, you agreed to get into your pyjamas before you watched TV.” Say it with a word – Kids, pyjamas!

4.    Talk about feelings.

Instead of – “What is wrong with you always leave the wet towels on the floor?”  Talk about feelings – “It bothers me when leave the wet towels on the floor because they won’t dry and get smelly.”

5.    Write a note.

A note of the television reads – Before you turn this on – THINK – have I done my homework?


Sometimes when we are stressed or tired using new skills can seem very difficult and we often revert to our “default” position of one of them ways listed above.  Remember you are human and this is a natural reaction. So give yourself a break and you will get other opportunities to use these new skills.

I would appreciate your feedback. What you found helpful? What worked well? What didn’t?

Tuesday 12 July 2011

Upping the ante

Do you find yourself in the middle of a row with your child, or even an adult, getting louder and louder?  You start off calm discussing something with your child and the child answers you, only he/she is speaking louder and so you respond by speaking even louder. Before long you are shouting at each other and no one is really listening, the conversation is getting heated and there seems to be no way out.

The next time that happens try this. When you find yourself getting louder and louder, start by gradually speaking softer and when you child responds, reply in an even softer voice and keep this going until you are whispering.  It totally diffuses the situation and you have an excellent chance your child will be more co-operative.

Please share this blog and check out my website; www.lorraineburwood.co.uk/

Tuesday 5 July 2011

Pink elephant with a blue hat

 Have you ever found yourself saying to your child "Don't run, you'll fall over" only to see your child fall over almost immediately? Do you find yourself saying to your child "Don't climb on the furniture" or "Don't sit so close to the television" or any other instruction that starts with "Don't"? Have you ever wondered why you child appears to ignore these requests.
If I were to say to you "Don't think of a pink elephant with a blue hat on", what is the first thing you think of? Exactly, a pink elephant with a blue hat on!

When you give an instruction the brain doesn't hear or process the negative word "Don't" it only hears the rest of the sentence. So when you say "Don't run, you'll fall over", your child hears "Run and fall over". "Don't climb on the furniture" is heard as "Climb on the furntiure" and "Don't sit so close to     the television" as "Sit close to the television".

Instead of using Don't put the request into a positive instruction, like "Slow down" or simply "Walk" or "The furniture is not for climbing on, get down" or "Sit back from the television".

If you found this blog useful please let me know.

Photo courtesy of http://www.freedigitalphotos.net/images/view_photog.php?photogid=2140